The world expects us to have everything figured out. Career, love, finances, health, you know, everything.
The reality is, we don’t. At least I don’t. Some days I feel gingered, like I can save the world. Other days, like today and every other day for the past few weeks, I haven’t felt that way.
I’ve given myself pep talks, set up new schedules, listened to motivational speeches. Nothing seems to put me on the right path. I’m deflated but I’m not depressed. I don’t think I am. I put a lot of pressure on myself and sometimes I compare myself to others. Not in a bad way.
More in a good way. For example; if person A has been able to do this, so can I. I don’t want to be like person A. I just remind myself that anything is possible if I put my mind to it.
I’m the first of 3 children. Are my parents stressing me out or expecting me to pay any bills? No, not at all but somehow, I’ve managed to convince myself that I’m inadequate, that I’m not doing enough.
I’m a strong girl. I love my brothers, I help them as much as I can. I’m there for my friends. I stay up all night to console my friends who maybe going through sh*t. I’ve had random people send me messages on Instagram on how they’re depressed and need someone to be there for them. And I try to be there for them. I do, because I know that a problem shared is sometimes a problem half solved.
But I haven’t learned to open up. All I do is act like everything is fine. I smile and act strong all the time. But right now, I don’t want to be strong. I want to break down and be vulnerable. Do I care how you feel reading this? No.
If you find it funny, it’s okay. You can laugh all you want. I’m sure I’ll find it funny tomorrow too. Lol. But if you’ve ever thought that people on the internet have perfect lives, you’re wrong, nobody does.
I don’t need you to be sad for me. Oh hell no! I’m typing this on here instead of my journal because someone may feel beaten up just like I feel right now and I want them to know it’s okay to feel that way.
As long as we don’t continue to dwell in it for too long. Today, I didn’t feel like going to church, I wanted to stay home and wallow in sadness. But at around 7:30am, I decided church is exactly where I needed to be. So, I put on my skinny jeans, a T-shirt, some mascara and left for church.
I didn’t leave home with an expectation but right before the preacher was invited onto the stage, I asked that God give me a reason to not give up on myself, I asked that I do not return home as broken as I came.
And he heard me. He gave me a message…
I know, I asked the same thing too. How do I give thanks when it feels like the world is against me?
STILL GIVE THANKS. You have no money in your account? Still give thanks. Someone has millions in their account and it’s all going into surgeries and cancer treatment. You can’t have your favourite meal for dinner? Still give thanks. Someone hasn’t had a proper meal in 3 days.
Never shift your heart from gratitude to self pity and complaining. That’s exactly what the enemy wants. That’s exactly what will block your blessing.
No matter how terrible your circumstance may be, there’s always always something to be grateful for, find it and highlight it.
That’s the message I got today. And it took feeling like crap this evening to remind myself of this awesome revelation. Hallelujah! Lol
[Oh damn I feel so good! ]
How did I start this article on such a defeated tone and end it, with so much hope? I have no idea.
Maybe it’s the never ending battle of the two sides I have inside of me.
Either that, or I’m ovulating and it’s messing up my emotions.